Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Forming emotions

I just had somewhat of a revelation. It may be common sense to most people, but I am a thinker more than a feeler these days, and the way emotions work is at times pretty confusing. There are plenty of times I feel something I don't want to; or there is a feeling absent that should be present.

But you can't will emotions to come and go as you please. They aren't light switches, they're not binary. They don't even exist on a linear scale.

Emotions are like water. It doesn't choose where to go. It doesn't care where it goes. It goes where the path takes it. The events in our lives, the things we choose to do and the things that happen to us, are the rocks and river banks that shape our emotions.

There are a few points I'm trying to make with this. One is that sometimes the emotions get too strong and break through a dam or river bank, and change the events in your life.

The other is that when our emotions are off the path we want, you can't will them back in to place. You have to shape your life, with real events, people and actions.

Monday, October 13, 2008

A message from the past

So, for 2 years now, I've been using FutureMe.org to send annual emails to my future-self. The first arrived in September 2007, and the second arrived yesterday. I thought it would be fun to share what October-2007 AJ had to say to October-2008 AJ.

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Friday, October 12, 2007, and sent via FutureMe.org
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The last time I sent a message to the future, I took the approach of reminding myself what life was like a year ago. The message should still be in gmail, go read it. It arrived 9/20/07.

This time, I suppose I will do the same. I'm at another crossroads in life. Everything has changed in the course of a few weeks. Erin left on 9/24. I spent a week in turmoil, trying to get her back, and then settled into acceptance. It's pretty much over.

Yesterday was a day to remember.

I found out my contract at HP expires 11/18 and they can't renew it. So I currently have about a month to find a new job. Stressful. I wish you could tell me how that turns out.

When I got home after that, I found Erin and Squeak moving out the last of her furniture. It was hard seeing her. We talked a little, and hugged. Everything has been concluded now. I sold her the ring for ($xxxx) earlier this week and bought a lens with the money. Her furniture is out. I doubt I'll see her again for a very long time, if ever.

So this is what life is like in October 2007. All the "old" is out, and I'm on the search for the "new". I'm excited at the prospect of first kisses, the excitement and electricity, and nervousness. And I am hopeful that I can find a rewarding job, and maybe even make a bit more money. I hope things turn out. By the time I'm reading this, I can't imagine what I'll be thinking looking back on these days.

I also hope you enjoyed Hawaii. I guess I have that over you - I still get to go there. Hope life is treating me well.
Well, obviously this time a year ago, my life was changing quite a bit, and I was pretty stressed about the outcome. I posted previously about how my year has gone, and I think it's pretty interesting how the 2 compare.

I'm still single, but have dated quite a bit, to the point where I realize first kisses aren't always amazing. There's a lot of people out there, and I'm just not romantically interested in 99% of them, which makes the search fun and frustrating, but the right girl that much more special.

The job thing worked out fine, and I'm even considering making another change in that area.

I just found out yesterday that Erin is engaged to the guy she left me for. Jess also got engaged a couple months ago, also to the guy she met after me. My life seems to be Good Luck Chuck.

Hawaii was awesome, and I am totally jealous of my previous self for getting to go. On the other hand, he doesn't have the satisfaction of having climbed a 14,270ft mountain. Also, he's still driving that old '92 toyota and I have had my nice Frontier for 9 months!

I think I'm going to send off another email, due back in 2009. This is a pretty fun way to archive life.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

2008 So far

I have been thinking recently about this year. It seems to have flown by. Here's a quick list of things I have experienced over the last 12 months (part of 2007 as well), and 2008.

2007
Relationship with Erin ended
Job with HP ended
Got new job at Synergetics
Halloween in Denver with Mike and Sara. Went as Waldo
In December made first attempt at dating again
Campaigned hard for Ron Paul. Sign waving in old town, neighborhood canvasing, went to a Rally. Hope for America.

2008
10 day cruise in Hawaii with family (17 people total!)
Bought new truck (2008 Nissan Frontier LE)
Went to my first Caucus, Feb 5, Super Tuesday. Got elected as an alternate delegate for county.
Ron Paul didn't win any counties in CO, or any states nationwide. Sad.
Sold old truck (92 Toyota pickup I'd been driving since I was 16)
Played tons of Guitar Hero 3
Sold Motorcycle (2005 Kawasaki Ninja ZX-6R)
Picked up Golf
Did my brother's and his girlfriend's graduation photos
Bought a PS3
Went to Las Vegas
Sold a bunch of random crap sitting around
Photographed a wedding
Hiked every weekend for 2 months.

  • Deserted Village
  • Gray's Peak (almost)
  • Crosier Mountain
  • Gray Rock
  • Round Mountain
  • Gray's Peak (victory! 14,270 ft)
  • 3 day camping trip to Great Sand Dunes National Park
  • (some others probably... who knows)
Within one week, almost lost my job and my apartment. Managed to keep both.
Went to my first Envision: Young Professionals meeting.
Went to the 2008 Tour De Fat bicycle parade.
Paid off my the remainder of my student loan with the motorcycle money and some savings.
Over the year took out at least 8 people that went no where.

And the year's not over yet...

Friday, September 12, 2008

"You Are" = You're

For a few years this has been grating on me. Why do so many people get this wrong. Is it laziness? Ignorance? I've talked to enough people across the continent online to notice it's semi regional too. I know almost zero Canadians who use you're, opting to always use your instead. Does this mean their school system doesn't teach this? Or maybe it's a result of an accent or pronunciation. Maybe they verbalize both as "Yor", while down south we say "You're" and "Yor" (spelled that way to help illustration pronunciation).

  • You're is a contraction for "You are." Just like Can't, Don't, Shouldn't are all contractions of can not, do not, and should not. Example sentence: You're much more likely to be respected when using proper grammar.
  • Your is the possessive form of "you." Just liks his/him, hers/her. Example sentence: Your misuse of this word drives me insane!
Ironically, 99% of the time I see "your" used improperly, it's in the sentence "Your an idiot", when the writer is belittling someone else on their false logic, or poor spelling, grammar, ideals, or something else.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Some introspection on recent hikes

So, that nasty Gray's Peak hike I wrote about a while ago? I've hiked quite a bit since then, some with Tim and Heather, some with just Heather. Some longer distances, some higher and lower altitudes.

3 or 4 weeks ago, Heather and I hiked Gray's peak again. We made it to the top, it was fantastic. I took tons of pictures. It was truly an epic victory. I fully intended to write about it, because it is a damn good story.

But I just can't. I've already gotten out of the experience everything that I needed, and internally, writing about it adds nothing for me at this point. So instead of writing about it, I thought I'd write about writing about it.

I guess when I started the hiking, I didn't realize it, but I was using the mountains to push my own boundaries and conquer my own limitations. There were some easy hikes, but they were just for fun. Most of the hikes had an unusual challenge of some sort: descending in pitch black after sunset; almost getting hit by lightning (this happened often it seems); being hailed on. And each time, I refused to accept defeat. I pushed myself beyond what I thought I could do, and I left another part of me behind that says "I can't do that" when facing a challenge.

But I feel like I've reached the limitations of these adventures. With Gray's Peak, I did what it took, and I won. And then the week after I camped for 3 days and 3 nights with Tim & Heather at the sand dunes, and again almost got hit by lightning, and got hailed on.

My point is, the last 2 trips were far more epic than our first attempt at Gray's, but I don't feel any different after them. They're just things I did. They were challenging, but not internally.

They were closure.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Friggin thing bit me!

I did another hike today. Round Mountain, a 4.9 mile 3,000ft hike summitting at only 8,450 ft. Tim is away so it was just Heather and I, and our first time hiking without Tim as our guide, but it was nice. It was a very hot day, and fairly steep, and we were going through our water faster than expected; so it was a welcome relief when it started raining about half way up. It was still a warm day so we didn't bother with any protection and just enjoyed being soaked with cool fresh rain water.

At the top there was a pile of rocks with a thick, sturdy iron pipe on it. Unscrewing the end revealed a log book and pen, so we read some of the previous entries ("Nice run, 1 hour 1 second, gotta up the pace!" for example. Wow.) And we left a note there for Tim because he will inevitably re do this mountain at some point.

On the way back down, still in the rain, we came to a wonderful opening on the side of the mountain that looked out over the valley, Thompson river, and Loveland. FYI, Thompson river runs along HWY-34, which goes from Estes Park to Loveland. Anyway, we found different rocks and stood silently in the rain looking out over the valley. I would say how long we stood there, but I can only say it was long enough that I no longer knew if I'd been there 5 minutes or my entire life. I can't really remember the last time I felt so at peace.

Farther down the trail, I felt an incredibly sharp pain on the side of my hand and thought I'd waved my hand into a prickly plant or something, but in the midst of my cursing and waving my hand around in pain I managed to brush off the culprit: Some bastardly little flying bug. He was yellow, so I was afraid I'd been stung by a wasp, but as time passed and there was no swelling I decided it must have just been a horse fly. I had no idea they bit that hard.

So that was our day, excellent for the most part.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Epic Hike: First Fourteeners - Grays and Torreys

Our goal was to do Grays Peak and Torreys peak, two 14,000ft peaks which are connected by about a mile long "saddle".
Forecasts and looking at the sky first thing in the morning indicated weather would not be on our side, but we decided we had the gear needed to stay warm and we would give it our best anyway.

It's quite a drive getting there, the exit is a bit west of Georgetown off I-70. From the trailhead, it is a hike of about 3.5 miles and a climb of 3,040 feet. Additionally, there is a 3 mile, 1500 ft very rough road that many people have to hike if they have wimpy cars. Luckily, the Frontier handled it well, saving us a lot of effort. It was the first time I've gotten to take the truck in any sort of harsh conditions, and while I was a little nervous, it was very fun and the truck got to flex its muscles and show it's much more than a cushy luxury vehicle.

It's worth noting that the parking lot and trailhead are at the tree line, roughly 11,300ft.

Smart people start the hike early, hit the summit and are back down by noon. We got on trail about at about 11am, and were the only goes going up while everyone else was coming down. We were reading a guide book earlier and found a Golden Rule for hiking that we found quite amusing: always ask yourself "Is what I'm doing right now stupid?" We didn't think so, but several people coming down gave us looks that said otherwise. The puffy white clouds billowing high over the mountain agreed.

Not far into the hike, maybe a mile, those puffy clouds had turned dark and ominous, and the rain began. So we pulled out our water proof stuff from the packs and Ponchoed Up. Well, I had a $5 poncho anyway, which turned out the be the best thing I've bought recenty. So were my water resistant pants, which I only chose because they were on sale. Within about 15 minutes, Tim's entire upper body was soaked, as were heather's legs. I was bone dry except for my feet, which were toasty warm in my fantastic wool socks. Oh the irony, the newbie was best prepared, and somewhat by accident.

We spotted a cave/mine entrance not too far off trail across the tundra and thought that might be a good place to wait, but the rain stopped before we got too far off trail, so we continued on. Somewhere around 12,600 feet, I decided to stop and check my blood sugar (it was 119 I believe, just right). There was plenty of tunder and lightning around, but we weren't worried about it just yet. I took off my hat and jokingly asked if my hair was standing up (because I knew it was, due to the way I was wearing the hat). Tim laughed and then looked at Heather, who looked like she'd been rubbing a balloon on her head all day, her hair standing straight out on end. Is what we're doing right now stupid? Back down the hill we go, as fast as possible. We see a couple lightning strikes, none very close, but a few struck much lower than we were. And then the hail. Pea sized, and coming down heavy. The mountain seemed to have spoken, and said it did not want our company that day.

Further down, just a mile away from the trail head, the clouds parted and the sun burst through. Now, this is a beautiful area anyway, but after rain and hail to clear the air and the sun coming out, it was about the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The mountain was taunting us. We debated for a long time, 15 minutes or so, if we wanted to go up back up or call it a day. As you might have guessed from the title, we weren't about to quit now. Sure we'd back tracked almost the entire trail, and our muscles were already fatigued, and another storm was probably brewing on the other side, but we would not let this mountain win today. WE would be victorious. Is what we're doing right now stupid? We decided there is a fine line between stupid and couragous.

The rest of the way up was much the same as the first time. The closer we got, the more clouds appeared and the darker they got. We cheered as we passed our previous high mark, and made it about 1/4 mile farther, around 12,800. At this point, we could no longer see the peaks. There was no lightning luckily, but a chilly wind and lots of rain was coming in fast.

Feeling quite a bit like Frodo on the side of mount doom, we decided to hunker down behind some rocks, eat, and see if this storm would pass too. Cold and wet (well, I was pretty dry, that poncho is awesome), we declared defeat and turned our backs to the grey void where the summit used to be, and headed back to civilization.

Back at the truck, a gentleman asked us if we'd seen his wife and mother in law up there, who he saw (with binoculars) at the peak at noon, and should have been back by now, 5 hours later. He was their ride and had their 2 year old daughter with him, so he couldn't stay too much longer. Given the weather we'd seen, we were pretty worried for them and promised to call the rangers once we got a cell signal. Thankfully, half way down the road we crossed paths with a vehicle going up, containing the lost hikers. They had gone down the wrong side of the mountain and had to hitch hike their way back.

Lessons learned:
Water proof clothing is the difference between life and freezing to death, even in July.
Go early. The storms move in by noon.
Know your trail in advance. In and out.

Attached is a Google Earth file that shows our hike. Blue = the drive up, Green = try #1, Red = try #2. Thumb tac markers show where we stopped & turned around each time.

Some people just wouldn't understand

I've got my water proof, shorts-convertable pants on, smartwool socks, a dampened bandana on my head to keep me cool, and quick drying Underarmour on. My pack is properly adjusted so the weight rests on my hips instead of my shoulders, and my sippy straw is right where I can reach it with a slight turn of my head. We're about 2 miles into our 12-mile round trip hike.

But we're not hiking.

We're spinning in circles.

I have my hiking-pole-converted-to-monopod stuck in the ground with my camera on top, offset 60mm backwards so I can rotate around the focal point in the lens. I am carefully spinning around that point, taking a picture approximately every 45 degrees. Rotating around the focal point eliminates parallax, and is important when creating a 360 degree panorama.

Tim stands 10 feet away also spinning circles, but he is calibrating his GPS's compass with a magnetic compass.

It was at this point I realized maybe this is why I haven't invited too many people to join us on these hikes. Some people might just think we're a little odd.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Raising my voice for diabetes

April 14th was "Raise Your Voice For Type 1 Diabetes Awareness Day". More information, and links to other people speaking up, can be found here: Six Until Me

I'm a day late, and better with pictures than words, and I think these speak for themselves:


This, do 4-6 times a day.



This, do every time you eat carbs.


They are meant to be uncomfortable to look at.

This is my life, and the life of any type 1 diabetic, every day. So if these make you wince or look away, just remember, we deal with it day in and day out. There's no looking away. It's a burden we carry silently in a struggle to maintain a "normal" lifestyle.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Presidential Election 2008 prediction

I've had this prediction for a while now, but I want it in writing to look back on.

Today, April 1st, 2008, I am committing to my presidential election predictions. This isn't an April Fool's joke.

Round 1: Nominations
Democrats: Obama
Republicans: McCain obviously, but Paul and his followers are for some reason still in the race. I guess McCain could drop dead and leave Paul the winner by default?

Round 2: November Election
McCain.

Explanation:
This all comes from my gut, no fancy polls or statistics or anything like that. I predicted both of Bush's wins in the same way. Basically, my hunch is that the bad guy always wins. Life isn't some fairy tale; it's filled with corruption, hate, ignorance. And usually covered with an excellent PR/marketing campaign.

There's a chance if Hilary got the nomination she could beat McCain, but only because she is as big a bad guy as he is. Lies and deceit, that's what wins the American heart. It'd be hard for her to lie enough to beat out McCain's ignorance, but I think she's got it in her.

As you can see, I don't think Obama will make it. Why? Because he's honest, and he gives people hope. He wants change. He's the good guy.