Forming emotions

I just had somewhat of a revelation. It may be common sense to most people, but I am a thinker more than a feeler these days, and the way emotions work is at times pretty confusing. There are plenty of times I feel something I don't want to; or there is a feeling absent that should be present.

But you can't will emotions to come and go as you please. They aren't light switches, they're not binary. They don't even exist on a linear scale.

Emotions are like water. It doesn't choose where to go. It doesn't care where it goes. It goes where the path takes it. The events in our lives, the things we choose to do and the things that happen to us, are the rocks and river banks that shape our emotions.

There are a few points I'm trying to make with this. One is that sometimes the emotions get too strong and break through a dam or river bank, and change the events in your life.

The other is that when our emotions are off the path we want, you can't will them back in to place. You have to shape your life, with real events, people and actions.

A message from the past

So, for 2 years now, I've been using FutureMe.org to send annual emails to my future-self. The first arrived in September 2007, and the second arrived yesterday. I thought it would be fun to share what October-2007 AJ had to say to October-2008 AJ.

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Friday, October 12, 2007, and sent via FutureMe.org
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The last time I sent a message to the future, I took the approach of reminding myself what life was like a year ago. The message should still be in gmail, go read it. It arrived 9/20/07.

This time, I suppose I will do the same. I'm at another crossroads in life. Everything has changed in the course of a few weeks. Erin left on 9/24. I spent a week in turmoil, trying to get her back, and then settled into acceptance. It's pretty much over.

Yesterday was a day to remember.

I found out my contract at HP expires 11/18 and they can't renew it. So I currently have about a month to find a new job. Stressful. I wish you could tell me how that turns out.

When I got home after that, I found Erin and Squeak moving out the last of her furniture. It was hard seeing her. We talked a little, and hugged. Everything has been concluded now. I sold her the ring for ($xxxx) earlier this week and bought a lens with the money. Her furniture is out. I doubt I'll see her again for a very long time, if ever.

So this is what life is like in October 2007. All the "old" is out, and I'm on the search for the "new". I'm excited at the prospect of first kisses, the excitement and electricity, and nervousness. And I am hopeful that I can find a rewarding job, and maybe even make a bit more money. I hope things turn out. By the time I'm reading this, I can't imagine what I'll be thinking looking back on these days.

I also hope you enjoyed Hawaii. I guess I have that over you - I still get to go there. Hope life is treating me well.

Well, obviously this time a year ago, my life was changing quite a bit, and I was pretty stressed about the outcome. I posted previously about how my year has gone, and I think it's pretty interesting how the 2 compare.

I'm still single, but have dated quite a bit, to the point where I realize first kisses aren't always amazing. There's a lot of people out there, and I'm just not romantically interested in 99% of them, which makes the search fun and frustrating, but the right girl that much more special.

The job thing worked out fine, and I'm even considering making another change in that area.

I just found out yesterday that Erin is engaged to the guy she left me for. Jess also got engaged a couple months ago, also to the guy she met after me. My life seems to be Good Luck Chuck.

Hawaii was awesome, and I am totally jealous of my previous self for getting to go. On the other hand, he doesn't have the satisfaction of having climbed a 14,270ft mountain. Also, he's still driving that old '92 toyota and I have had my nice Frontier for 9 months!

I think I'm going to send off another email, due back in 2009. This is a pretty fun way to archive life.